2015, Entrepreneur, RedBrick Rooster

Four Endings & A Beginning

Note: This blog piece was written June 1 2015 but has been migrated onto a new site.
I am my own boss. I am my own boss. I am my own boss. No, I still cannot believe it. Not because I am so in awe of myself. Quite the opposite. December 2014 – I found myself in a bind. Not the good kinky kind either. After submerging myself into the corporate marketing world for almost a year in what appeared to be the perfect job for the perfect future – life threw me yet another, all-too-predictable curve-ball. “You think you like stability, security, a nice clean suit with a nice clean salary? Think again”.
I had it all – a wonderful job with a great team, visions of future leadership, and husband to spoil with my very first adult-sized salary. Then. Boom. A small group of contract workers including myself were told that no contracts would be renewed for 2015. As I’m sure many of you know, especially if you are under 30, job security is a dusty top shelf dream. Most of us don’t even have the luxury to think about things like retirement, pension, mortgage payments. My coping mechanism for this lifestyle of being in and out of jobs, was to worry less about my longevity at a company and to instead focus on the impact I was making while I was there. I wanted to let my various experiences shape my career. But this time was different. I believed this one had taken. So when the door closed on yet another path to job happiness, I was defeated. Anxiety and depression for the last two years left me exhausted. Worst of all – I felt like nothing could recharge my once self-charging batteries.
Essentially, I had spent so much energy investing in what I believed would bring me happiness that I accidentally unlearned how to be happy myself. So I slept. A lot. I let the defeat saturate my whole. Then, one cold and dull day, I went to my church. I should explain that this is not an actual church but it is my spiritual getaway; the place where I seem to flock when I need to understand something. A tattoo shop where I spent one summer working as a receptionist. I was in need of money and the owner, a big-hearted animal-loving lady, to my great surprise and despite my inklessness hired me. So one dreary afternoon I wondered over there to visit one of the artists who is now a dear friend. I told her the news. I had lost my job. Her reaction was unexpected – at best. “Toni this is the best news. Now you can just do your own thing”. Then the choir chimed in. It wasn’t just her. Other people reacted the same way. When I went back to my tattooed spiritual guide and told her about this she gave me one heck of a talking to. She believed wholeheartedly that it was time for me to build something of my own. I felt it. That urge to detach my ambitions from the bureaucracy that seemed to control it for the past 10 years of my life.
So one Saturday afternoon I sat in this chair (my comfy office chair at home) and came up with a business name – RedBrick Rooster Creative. So now, this is what I am building. This time without worrying that it has to be this impenetrable fortress designed to create future happiness and kick out all anxiety and depression.  To be honest, it isn’t much of anything yet. I wake up every morning (never at exactly the same time) and think – today I will build and play. I am less scared about taking things apart and rebuilding them because it’s just for me. My happiness. I have learned that my happiness relies on my personal and professional life being a big blurry grey line. One does not help defeat the evils in the other. They work together. I thought I knew this already. So as you can imagine I was quite shocked when I found out that I did not.

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